Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Not today, today.
Not today.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?