I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
You Might Also Like
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced