Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
somebody come look at this
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Every damn time
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.