Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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