[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Growing up was a huge mistake
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL