(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I beg your pardon?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Am I having a stroke?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”