Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
You Might Also Like
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.