My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!