PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
This is my bus stop.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day