trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Become ungovernable.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Comparing yourself to others
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.