Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Who’s your best friend?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?