Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
When you kidnap a writer.