Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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Thrilling chase underway
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
so, is there a mister shapen head
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me