Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
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No, YOUR illiterate.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.