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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?