Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
the dark web is just a goth google.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.