had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
very niche meme I made
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way