“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
prepare for carbonated trouble
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.