My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Y’all ready for this
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*