This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
concern
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk