Wait for it
You Might Also Like
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Free him
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*praying for world peace*
God:
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped