BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.