The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably