Oh my God.
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m good, thanks.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.