EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.