If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???