WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.