Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*serious situation*
My brain:
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Never be a pizza!
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.