Its true…
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
How to find Kentucky on a map
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.