WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Thoughts
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.