just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if BeyoncĂ© was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.