[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
This could’ve been an email.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.