Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
My typo game is string.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger