I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head