“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
The pen is writier than the sword.