Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Netflix and you sit over there.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”