*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too