Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
These aliens are taking forever.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey