judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Somebody call the cops.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
bears
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.