*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.