me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.