my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.