If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster