[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.