Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
The hardest thing Vision has to do