Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…