A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Oh deer
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
jesus christ confetti not now
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*