Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
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When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.