Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.