ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Always a metermaid never a meter
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.